Humans have interacted with other humans for many generations. We have formed civilizations and communities. We are a naturally social species. Though some people, like myself, may find it hard to interact with others. It may be due to nervousness that people can’t fully communicate with others, but for me, it is due to fear.
Being lonely is one of my biggest fears. It is a terrifying experience. To have nobody to talk to, to interact with, is nightmare to me. Being alone is fine, but being lonely is terrible. But perhaps bigger than my fear of being lonely is my fear of losing others. To lose people would lead me to being lonely. I fear for the possibility of that happening. I try my hardest to not lose anyone. I try to be friendly. I imitate others to get along with them. I do anything in my power so that they don’t want to leave me.
To be honest, I don’t want to this. I don’t want to be afraid of being alone. I don’t want to be afraid to lose others. It’s just I have this innate desire to be with others, but due to my fear of possibly losing them, it makes it hard to approach people. When making friends, I am never the one who makes the first move. I constantly rely on others to do it for me. I didn’t choose to be this way.
It makes me feel selfish. The way I act makes me feel like I am a people pleaser. Like I try to fulfill the desires of others for my own personal gain. The gain of comradery. The gain of friendship. This is not what I want to do. I want to show my true self to others, but the fear of losing others by doing this is too great.
My relations with others may be messed up. I may be an introverted, selfish individual, but I am trying to be better. I am trying to better myself so I can be less fearful of being lonely. So I can be less of a people pleaser and more of a man of truth. But as the saying goes, people don’t change. Maybe I can’t change. Maybe I can’t reach this ideal version of myself. That is fine. I just need to accept myself for who I am. If I can do that, then I will be just fine.